Yesterday when I got home from work at 5:00pm, Husband was soundly sleeping. I left him alone because I knew he woke up super early that morning and probably needed that nap. I left him there while I cooked dinner – salmon, rice and broccoli. You should know that I don’t cook often, and when I do cook, it’s usually something quick and completely effortless, like a frozen pizza. So I was proud of dinner, and normally I would be all like, “OMG look at me! Look, I’m cooking! I’m doing good! OMG COME LOOK!”
But not yesterday. Yesterday Husband was sleeping, and I was being a completely awesome wife by leaving him there.
I left him there for an hour. Two hours. Three hours. THREE AND A HALF HOURS. And then I put this post on Facebook: “about to jump on the bed and scare the bejeebers out of sleeping beauty over here. he’s been napping for like 3 hours and i’m finally tired of being entertained by the internet.”
So I did! I jumped, and then he jumped, except my jump was like happy bouncing and his was like “AM I BEING ATTACKED??!?!” I thought my plan was going to be successful… until he rolled over and went back to sleep.
On to Plan B.
We needed groceries, reeeeal bad. You see, I hate doing groceries even more than I hate cleaning. I had evaded grocery shopping for so long that we ran out of food in our apartment. Even the dust bunnies were starving. I absolutely needed to go buy food but I didn’t want to, and I sure as heck wasn’t gonna do it while Husband was napping.
So I did the only thing I could. I drank an alcoholic beverage.
The logic: We desperately needed food (this is of high interest to Husband). After the drink, I was no longer capable of driving to the store to get the food. Husband would either need to drive me, or never eat again.
I jumped back into the bed saying “Taaake meee to the stooore!” and it worked! It was a good trip, too. Husband’s favorite part was when a stockboy asked “Can I help you find anything?” and I yelled “BEEEEEAAAANS! We need canned beans!!” with the exact same gusto normally reserved for the phrase “HAP-PY NEW YEEEAR!”
So if you hate buying food and you can’t wake your husband up, you should have a drink and have him escort you to the grocery store. Just know that your relaxed state will result in lots of backtracking through the supermarket and also a 40% increase in your total bill.