Dear Sad Pastry,
When I saw you Wednesday it was clear you were having the worst day of your life. There you were, trapped in a glass case of emotion with your devastated frown and your sorrowful little eyes. My heart broke for you.
You must be an extremely intelligent little coffee cake. All the other pastries just sit happily because they do not know their fate. Naive little sweets. You, however, are wise. You understand the fragility of existence. You’re fully aware that you will probably meet your end by sundown, when you are consumed by a hungry human. And it’s such a brutal death — first bitten apart piece by piece, then digested slowly over a grueling 4-hour process, finally to meet your fate as a dimple on somebody’s thigh! I don’t blame you for being so sad.
What’d you say? That’s not why you were sad?! Ohh… Well I uhh… I didn’t know your girlfriend dumped you. I thought you were sad because… Oh crap. You didn’t know, did you?! My gosh I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean for you to find out this way! Well I uh… Well try to look on the bright side, which is, uhhh… Well… This is awkward :(