Dear Publix Hoagie Roll,
You should be ashamed of yourself. Many food items have been burnt in my kitchen, but none have reacted as poorly as you.
You did not need to catch fire in the toaster oven. I know I may have cooked you a little long, but couldn’t you have handled it more gracefully? Your reaction was very inconsiderate of my guests. Poor Stephen was in the bathroom. He only heard me yell “Fire! AHHH! Fire!” before the smoke alarm went off. It just wasn’t necessary for you to frighten him like that.
Next time I bring you into my kitchen, Publix Hoagie Roll, try to have a little more class. I’ve been married for almost two years now and Husband is probably tired of having to scrape the “burnt” off his lunch.