Dear Former Co-Workers,
I really just want to say “thank you.” You have made me look like a much better employee than I really am. Here are some of the ways you have made me look extra awesome:
1) Girl who walked out and never came back: You have made me look awesome just because I come to work. For the first two months that I had this job, Boss was seriously impressed with me just for showing up! Can’t get any better than that.
2) Girl of perpetual lateness: Getting here at 9:10 every morning is not the same as getting here at 9:00. Showing up at 9:30 isn’t good either. I never told on you, not even once. But it gave me extra awesomeness points for showing up on time.
3) Girl who couldn’t remember Boss’s last name: Seriously. How do you forget your Boss’s last name? You are supposed to say it every time you answer the phone. It’s even written on the front door. Instead you said “Patrick Swayze.” That is definitely not Boss’s name. That is the actor from Dirty Dancing and I am pretty sure he has never worked in our office. I know you were flustered and that it was an accident, but it happened several times. It made me look awesome in comparison.
Thank you, Former Co-Workers, for increasing my awesomeness without even making me try. Keep it up and I will have a raise in no time! In fact, it would be great if several other people could get hired here, be really bad at their job, and then leave. It will make me look much, much better and get me big, big raises. And I will be so rich that I can buy a squirrel.