dear coffice

Dear Coffice,

Normally you are “Office” but today everybody is coughing. And that makes you “Coffice.”

Because I was the first one to catch the cold, all my co-workers blame me for their symptoms. When people say they caught it from me, I say “Why were you breathing my air?” I never asked anybody to do that. They brought this upon themselves.

It can’t be my fault anyway, because even our customer that just walked in is coughing and he definitely didn’t get that from me. My cough is like “kehh. kehh.” And his is like “KHARR!! ka-KHARR!! EHHHHHH.” He sounds like he’s going to die.

They say when you have a cold, you should drink tea. But I hate tea. I like coffee. I like coffee, and I am “coughy,” and somehow it just works. I will drink what I want.

I lost my voice too, which makes it difficult to talk to customers at the Coffice. But they better get used to it, because I don’t think it’s ever coming back. I accidentally counter-prayed it (a friend prayed that my voice would come back, and I secretly counter-prayed like “Actually God, if you want to keep it forever that’s cool with me because I love raspy voices.” I thought it would just cancel out the original prayer, but I’m not quite sure how counter-prayer works and there’s a chance that it MULTIPLIES your request. So I might never get my voice back again).

Coffice, tomorrow I will bathe you with bleach wipes.

Love, Me

PS – Got “Coffice” added to UrbanDictionary.com :)

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